MINDSET

BEAUTY TO DISASTER... IN 15 MINUTES

What’s your mindset? Are you a half empty or a half full kind of thinker? Springtime in Texas can be beautiful, but it can also be catastrophic. That was Monday for us. The weather was beautiful, but in the course of about an hour of me arriving home after work, a rain cell came through and we were inundated with hail for about 15 minutes. 

Now, I’m going to admit that I’m the half empty, dooms day thinker. I worry, then worry some more. I make myself anxious over things that haven’t happened, that I can very clearly see could happen. My mind will create every ‘bad’ scenario and see so many roadblocks. 

“Cognitive distortions are inaccurate or irrational thought patterns that can lead to negative emotions and behaviors. They are common in mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.” This is me. I was at a counselor Self-Care training in December and had an a-ha moment. The presenter discussed this mindset and I instantly knew it was me. There was no denying it. She then discussed cognitive reappraisal, which is an emotion regulation strategy where you reframe or reinterpret a situation to change its emotional impact. 

I was gung-ho and was going to do more research and begin implementing this in my life. Then, life happened and I forgot about it. But now I know, it’s important for me to step back, and make some time to follow through with this for my own well being. 

The reason I spoke about Texas spring extreme weather was because hail damage. If you’ve been following me, you know our home had a cracked foundation that was just repaired in Dec and a flood back in Jan that we are still dealing with. Construction has just begun. Now, the roof needs to be inspected (it’s only 1 1/2 years old due to last hail storm we had) and my new car got significant hail damage. My mind went spiraling and all I wanted to do was find a dark hole and hide from life. I kept thinking, what else could possibly go wrong!?!? Every doomsday thought was scrolling through my mind.

I was having all the physical and emotional symptoms of a panic attack. My chest was tight. Dizzy. Couldn’t think clearly. My husband is a go with the flow kind of guy. It takes A LOT to stress him. And he kept trying to calm me and all I wanted to do was fight him. How could he be so calm? His calmness was actually increasing my anxiety. I wanted him to be as worked up as I was. What were we going to do now? Another insurance claim??? What if they dropped us? Rates? I was truly spiraling out of control. 

I woke up on Tuesday not feeling any better, but I needed to get to the day job. My dad had texted me on my way to work asking if we had any damage. I began venting to him, spilling all my worries and fears. He then responded, “No need to get anxious or sad… got to roll with the punches because it’s now out of our control!!” ~He used 2 (TWO) exclamation points! That is not my dad. He’s a calm, collected, scientific guy. I have only seen him lose his temper ONCE, when I was in middle school and snuck out of a friends house in the middle of the night.  Really, who is this man?? 

Then he followed up with his usual scientific explanation. “Nobody to blame but ourselves, as humanity has screwed up the planet…” His usual climate change information he shares often. Wildfires, tornados, hail, extreme hot and cold, etc… 

Then it hit me… hubby had said something very similar the night before. He wanted to know why I was freaking out if all we needed to do was handle the situation. Hmmm…. My mind slowly began to see a little light.

Then I got to work and several of us were talking about the hail storm and who was hit, etc… I began complaining about my “bad luck” and was about to begin spiraling again when a coworker said, “Well, at least you have a car to make a claim on that gets you to and from work. So many people don’t even have that.” Hmmm… The spiral stopped and I was left speechless. 

The hail storm conversation continued, but my mind was elsewhere. Was the universe/God/Mother Nature/a higher being talking to me? I went back to my office, but all I could think about was my negative mindset. Could I be blocking positivity in my life? I have wanted to try manifestation but my brain always comes back to the negative ‘what ifs’. During lunch I was scrolling TikTok as one does, and the 1st of the month rituals came up. Was this another 'sign'? I had seen these videos before, and done once in the past, but it was just something I did. 

The ritual is blowing salt in your home to attract good luck while warding off negativity. And then blowing cinnamon to attract prosperity and abundance. Another pause, hmmm moment. 

Then I remembered the training I attended back in Dec. The excitement I had listening to cognitive reappraisal to reframe my thoughts. To get out of my doomsday mindset. The question wasn’t ‘should I’, it was ‘can I follow through’?  Would I stick to working on reframing my thoughts? I had to at least try. 

My anxiety and panic attacks have escalated slowly over the past school year. I know what they feel like now and the actual attacks don’t scare me anymore. I’ve learned how to control the physical anxiety attacks. It’s the doom thoughts causing them that I can’t escape. Between my daughter off in college in another state, the election and constant negative news cycle, and all the uncontrollable, unforeseeable accidents/weather, my mental health was rapidly declining. But, I didn’t or couldn't see it. I couldn’t see it because doomsday is who I am. I draped the the personality over me. Lyrics from the Indigo Girls song, "Closer to Fine" come to mind, 

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

And I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it

I'm crawling on your shores

It’s as if these words were written for me. This is one of my all-time favorite songs, but this verse seems to stand out more now than ever before.

Why am I sharing this with you? To be honest, I’m not sure. Is it a way to concretely remind myself of this new journey? Is it to show others they are not alone? Will it become some sort of diary for myself and the progress or lack thereof? Will it become evidence of another failed mental health endeavor I’m taking? I won’t know for some time, but I’m posting it just the same. 

April 1st, April Fool’s, was the day I was able to see myself more clearly. But it was definitely no joke. Today is only the third. I am proudly admitting I did not spiral yesterday and I am starting today with a more positive outlook. Will this mindset last? I don’t think so. This is not my go-to personality. It will take work and I will need to pay attention when the negative thoughts begin to pop up. Or if I don’t catch them in time, I will need to figure out how to stop the spiral and come back to neutral.

What I can say with 100% certainty, I’m a work in progress. And I’m committed.