So much of our life goes by unnoticed. Small gestures, little accomplishments, conversations, gifts, laughs, voice, etc... it's all these small things that get overlooked. Much like a habit, we know they are there, until they are gone. I have been moving through my grief. Some days are spent feeling sad while others are filled with love and memories.
I lost my mom right before the holiday season, late October. The Fall is filled with birthdays, my sister's, my daughter's, my mom's and my own, Thanksgiving and Christmas. This time was filled with fun traditions we had built over the years. Party planning for my daughter's parties, family dinners, menu planning, and of course Christmas that is filled with its own set of traditions. These are the changes to life I focused on. These were the changes that I could see. Little did I realize all the small things would come to light, be remembered, for another wave of sadness.
In life a song, smell, chill in the air, etc... will bring back a memory. That is what has been occurring lately. It's odd thinking of the future right now. As excited as I am to continue on this self improvement journey, I'm also sad I don't have my mom to share it with. Those unique moments I shared with my mom will be missing as I go forward.
The first time one of these things hit me was scrolling through my texts, deleting old ones. I came across my mom's thread. My mom always filled her texts with "love" emojis. They were always happy texts filled with emotion. I miss these texts. Daily hellos with kissy face emojis. Checking our schedules verifying who was picking up the little one with heart emojis. All her texts were special. They will live on my phone, in the cloud (please cloud, do not lose these) forever if I have my way.
The phone calls when I'm happy, sad, or need to share gossip. She was always the one I called because she loved to talk. She had a way to guide. She listened. We could talk on the phone forever about all and nothing. Just chatting the day away sometimes.
A couple of weekends ago we were at my daughter's first cheer competition of the season. She began a new team so we were excitedly taking pictures in her new uniform. The thought of sending the pictures to my mom popped in my head. It came to me before I remembered she wasn't here anymore to receive them. The sadness was overwhelming for a moment as tears flowed. I quickly recovered so my daughter could continue with her day's excitement.
The small gifts she would get each of her girls at every holiday. Each Valentine's, Easter, Halloween she would get us some small thoughtful gift. Just a little something to show she was thinking of us.
Her hugs and kisses. Each time I saw her, even if I saw her the day before, she would greet and say good bye with a hug and a kiss. I true hug.
She had a morning routine getting dressed. I would sometimes sit on her bathroom counter while she was doing her hair and make up to chat with her. She always used the same products. I miss the smell of her bathroom with her hair products and perfume.
I have realized you don't only lose a loved one, but all those unique moments you shared with them. Don't take things for granted, you don't know when they won't be there anymore.