Put your best foot forward. That's what we grew up learning. I think this translates in today's society with the "prettiness" of social media. We see all the pretty pictures, but behind them are untold stories of pain, heartbreak, sadness, and quite possibly anger.
We always want people to see the best of us. Never showing the ugly truth. I wonder why? I am guilty of this. Always portraying what I think life should look like, but not always as it is. But right now, I'm not in the mood for "pretty". Right now I'm mad at the unfairness of life. I'm sad at the current cards I've been dealt. I'm scared of what comes next. I hurt with the possibility of losing my mom.
Did I mention that cancer sucks? It does. I just want to reiterate that. Again and again. It sucks. I have watched my beautiful, elegant, poised mother fade. The disease causing her to whither away. She was strong and now looks frail. She was spirited and now so sad. As hard as it is to watch, I'm positive it's harder to live. She continues to fight. She continues to ask about us. It's a gruesome fight I want her to win.
My mom is the best. Growing up she was always in my business. As a pre-teen/teen it drove me crazy. Looking back I know she did this because of love. She came to every game, performance, activity I was involved in. She would cheer and support all my endeavors. I knew I could always look in the crowd and find her. Always my rock.
My mom is the woman whose make up and hair was always flawless. Her closet is one most would covet. Her manners and elegance never forgotten. Somehow these lessons I skipped (not the closet, I do strive to have her fabulous closet). In my life though, messy buns and some mascara are my necessities.
She was vivacious. Always wanting more from life. In her retirement she has travelled the world. Wanting to experience and see all life has to offer. She wanted this for both her daughters. Wanting us to see the beauty and to know the world isn't so big.
My daughter is losing her grandmother. She just mentioned tonight wanting to bake some brownies. She replied to me when I said we didn't have a box mix, "I have recipes saved on my Pinterest. I saved them for me and guela to use, but she won't be able to make them with me anymore." This one statement gutted me. She has grown up with her. Seeing and spending time with mom mom at least weekly if not several times a week. My parents live exactly 3 miles from us. She has witnessed my mom's deterioration. Her inability to do all the things they did before. The baking. The playing. The scrapbooking. The crafts. The movie watching.
I'm mad. Really f@&king angry. My emotions always running wild, but keeping them hidden as to not scare my daughter. In the darkness sometimes letting it all out and then collecting myself in the light of day. My husband, who has been my rock, the only one knowing the craziness of my mind. That is until now. Now that I am putting it out in the world.
I know I'm not the only one with this struggle. People are in pain and suffering all over the world. I'm just not hiding from it anymore.