The weather lately has matched my mood. It's been raining, cold, dreary, and dark. I like it that way. I don't think I could deal with "happy" sunshine weather right now. Right now I am wallowing in all the emotions that come with dark and dreary. Each day a little different than the previous, but sadness and depression a constant.
I was in denial for so long. I truly believed my mom would beat cancer. I had no doubt. My mind staying childlike, thinking everything always works out in the end. I was comfortable in denial. No reasons to worry if you know everything will be okay.
But not everything has a happy ending. Life does not always let you smile at the end. Death is a part of life, but I am not ready for it. Not that I ever will be.
Talking with a friend this past week, she mentioned how upset she was and calling her mom. She said, "You know, I just needed my mom." It took everything in me not to crumble with those words. I won't have my mom much longer. I will not be able to call her for all the things that happen in our life. So many times she is my first call in joyous news, frustrating/sad times, or just needing to vent. The tightness in my chest when I think of this is real.
I move through my days feeling numb or incredibly sad. The numbness helps because I have fooled myself into thinking I'm okay, even if it's for a little while. The sadness is hard. It shows up unexpectedly. My chest tightens, the tears begin forming, and my mind races with all the things we won't get to do together.
I feel I'm rambling. Needing to work through this endless pain. So I end with...
The nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually. ― A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
I wrote this a few weeks ago. Letting myself ramble in the thoughts that continued to swirl. I didn't want to believe an end would come to the battle. Or let me correct, an end I didn't want to happen. Even when I knew the inevitable was coming, I prayed the outcome would be different than the doctor's diagnosis.
As a reader I would see the printed words, "my heart is breaking", often. Until now, I always thought of it as a play of words to describe a feeling. I have now felt my heart break so I know it is real. It does happen. I'm confused about what my new normal looks like. My mom was such a huge part of my everyday life. I talked to her almost daily and saw her most weekends. Her calmness when I'm struggling, her insight when my vision is cloudy, her thoughtful words when my anger has the best of me, her experience when my daughter and I are butting heads are things I relied upon. I'm terrified of what's next.
My great-grandmother was a large part of my life growing up. I spent so much time at her house and I remember the "stories" she would tell me. They would all have an indirect life lesson. I grew up thinking having four generations alive and in each other's life was the normal.
My daughter had this relationship with my mom. They would spend so much time together. The bond they shared was amazing. There even came a time when my daughter called my mom to pick her up because in her words, "mom was crazy". My daughter will be 13 next week and she no longer has the perfect model for elegance and grace.
It is odd walking around in my life right now. The past week has been surreal. I have felt like I am watching my life, but not really living it. Having to plan and all the nexts were things I never thought I would have to do at this point of my life. We had so much we still wanted to do.
The only lesson I can see right now is to cherish all the moments.