Growing up my mom always told me "things happen for a reason". When you're young you don't really understand the concept. You just know you wanted "Y" to happen and instead "X" did and that was NOT the outcome you hoped for. Even as an adult, sometimes it's hard to find the 'reason'. There are so many tragic things that happen, what could possibly be the explanation. I'm still struggling to find meaning for many happenings, but I have come to see the light for many others.
Since my mom's passing, I have been moving through grief and trying to be okay. Hiding my pain because I know my family is dealing with their own also. We are all handling it in the way it is most comfortable for each of us. I have been moving as fast, or faster, through life recently because of the holiday season and other random issues which occurred. I believed if I could just keep moving I could ignore all the emotions that were bubbling so close to the surface. And it was working for a little while.
Just recently the more I was trying to control my emotions, the more I felt like I personally was unraveling. Sadness, annoyance, anger and frustration were just one word or action away. Anything could have set off one or more of these emotions at any given moment. Last Sunday my hubby came home to find me in bed crying. I don't know how long I laid in bed crying before he got home. A petty argument between my daughter and I undid me. At work, a decision that was beyond my control had me fuming. Not my normal reactions.
Then Thursday morning happened. Rushing to do my daughter's hair quickly because we were running late, not uncommon, I asked her to move the vanity chair she was sitting on. Since her room is carpeted, she had to pick up the chair and set it back down. When she did, it landed on my pinky toe. I cussed, cried, yelled and then pulled myself together to get us out of the house. I went to a clinic and it was fractured.
This was an eye opener for me. Each weekday morning I have been getting up earlier than necessary to walk/jog on the treadmill for 25 minutes. It had become my daily routine. Last year my daily routine was 20 minutes of yoga each morning. I would tell people, when I was practicing it helped me feel centered. I have not practiced in about six months.
I am not able to walk/jog each morning now, but today I attempted a yoga practice. It was a success. Was the reason for my toe injury to help me see I needed to slow down and accept all the feelings I was so desperately trying to suppress? Maybe there is, maybe there isn't reasons, but I am choosing to see it as my way to slow down, center and feel.